Often the most problematic relationship in our life is the one that matters the most to us: our relationship with our primary partner. And it’s usually because it’s our primary partner who matters to us more than anyone or anything in the world that it can feel so overwhelming. This is because all of our deepest fears get exposed when we feel disconnected from our primary partner.
This is a universal experience. This is why so many people need help in more successfully navigating this primary relationship. The help of a seasoned, wise, solid couples counselor such as myself can help deepen your intimacy and safety in this important relationship so it doesn’t get to the crisis stage. And if you are in crisis, a Couples Counselor can help you guide yourself away from the brink and acquire new tools and deeper awarenesses so you don’t ever approach the brink again. A tool that has been shown to be incredibly effective in doing this is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). This is a type of therapy that has been shown to be very effective with a wide range of couples, because it gets to the core issues underneath the surface tensions which people throughout the world are afflicted with.
As a trained Couples Counselor with experience helping couples from many walks of life, I use EFT to help couples become more aware of what is happening in the present moment. As individuals we come into our primary relationships with old wounds from our childhood. And these early attachment traumas and wounds can cause us to develop a “narrow band of tolerance”. What this means is that we get upset more easily. When our well-being is disrupted we feel it more profoundly, and it takes longer for us to come back to a grounded easeful place within ourselves. The tools I use help your brain develop new neuronal pathways develop new grooves which overcome the old grooves. This WIDENS our “band of tolerance”. A lot of this happens on a unconscious level in the present moment during the sessions. When we have a wider “band of tolerance”, we more easily navigate conflicts with our partner.
What is so exciting about this is that it’s widely understood and clearly seen that with the help of a skilled therapist, an individual can often heal these old wounds MORE QUICKLY through their relationship with their partner! And our minds have an ability to change throughout our lives! So even if it appears that one person in the couple is bringing in more of the problematic behaviors, doing couples therapy can help that partner a great deal and therefore help the couple heal and grow as a unit. So coming in together and being supportive of each other’s learning and growth helps to deepen the intimacy, compassion, love and safety of the partnership, allowing the couple to fee more easeful, safe and loving while communicating more honestly and openly.
In addition to deepening the couples experience of each other, I teach them tools to better handle the problems as they arise. One of the primary tools is better communication. I incorporate a communication style known as “NON-VIOLENT COMMUNICATION” (NVC). This communication style works with how we language things which also changes how we hold the experience. As both parties become less defensive, it smooths the way for more open loving connection even in the face of conflict.
I also help couples build more mindfulness of their inner experience. We often make decisions and choices very unconsciously and with a limited awareness of what is happening inside that is driving our behavior. When we become more skilled at knowing ourselves, we can choose how to respond instead of simply "reacting". A strong mindfulness muscle is truly one of the keys to having a better relationship with everyone in our life.
We all have the ability for old patterns to change throughout our lives so what are you waiting for?
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